better your life💖

June 1st is WNAAD

Aka world narcissistic abuse day http://www.wnaad.com

#ifmywoundswerevisable you would see why I cut the people off that I have cut off and will not allow in my life.

A few years ago, I was completely unaware and uneducated about what it really means to be narcissistic. Come to find out, there are many people who used to be in my life who were to a T, narcissistic. Now I know so much about it all and I’m still learning about it. Educating yourself on this is key because the more you know, the more you will start to realize what people are doing is wrong and in no way your fault.

I have cut contact with the people who were like that. Honestly I will never allow them back in my life. I will live my life happy. Having toxic and narcissistic people in my life does me no good. I’ve been so happy without them.

I will not enable them by forgiving them over and over like I used to. There is no excuse because they know exactly what they are doing and it’s wrong. I don’t allow that kind of stuff in my life anymore. This is my life and I get to decide things like that.

I will not apologize for not allowing them back into my life. I will also not feel guilty for doing so. No one can change my mind on this. I will not be around them and I refuse to because when I get near them, I feel sick to my stomach.

Narcissistic people will never change the ways they live. They will never change the way they treat people. They will never care about all the chaos they have created. They do it on purpose.

Going no contact with the narcissistic people who were in my life, was the best choice I have made for myself in a long time. It’s been a rough road, everytime I have cut someone off. I always get through it. I have such a good support system that has helped me through everything for many years.

Yeah there’s always been some back lash when I cut people off. I have my opinion about it and others have theirs as well but as far as I’m concerned, if you keep treating someone bad and don’t stop doing so, I don’t care who the person is. Family or not I’m just not going to put up with it and that’s the end of it.

Going no contact and sticking with it, has been my saving grace. I deny invites when I know they will be there. I do not go where I know the narcissistic people may be. I don’t care at all to hear anything about them. I’ve blocked them on my 2 social media pages. Its awsome to write this blog because unless you know who I am, you would never be able to figure out who I am.

If you are being abused by a narcissist, you do not have to keep letting it happen. You do not have to just sit there and take it. No one should ever be treated the way narcissists treat people. No one can tell you that you have to keep forgiving it because you don’t. Make the choice to live for yourself and make your own decisions, don’t let gaslighting and flying monkeys control you.

You can go no contact with anyone, it doesn’t matter who they are. If someone keeps doing the same things to you over and over it’s not a mistake. Adults shouldn’t have to be told how to treat others and to play nice with people they treat like trash.

This is a very good website with lots of info and a glossary of different things that go along with narcissistic abuse. http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com

If you have ever delt with a narcissist, you know how screwed up they can really be and how good of a show they can put on for others to see. You would also know how fast others pick sides and treat the real victims when it comes to the narc.

No contact is one of the best things you can ever do when dealing with a narcissist. Some can’t go no contact because they have kids with a narcissist but thats where grey rock comes in.

I myself have always went no contact. I have no real reason to have any sort of contact (grey rock) with anyone who treats me bad and makes me out to be the crazy bad one (another one of their specialties).

Do what makes you happy, do what you have to do to be happy. Don’t let gaslighting flying monkeys guilt trip you for cutting someone off. Regardless of what others think you do what you need to do to not be treated like trash. Stand your ground. You got this❤

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everyday life

Finally back.

Welp my little family just moved, we weren’t planning on moving at all anytime soon but we had to due to some crap with where we were living. We got a really nice new place, We love it. Thankfully we are done moving completely now. We have a few things to do at our old place then we will be done and say goodbye to it. I’ll really only miss it because of all the memories from that place. We will make new memories at our new place though.

I can’t wait to paint and make this place not so ugly because right now, all the walls are white and it’s driving me crazy. I’m so excited to make this place OURS and make it feel more like a home.

Our baby is getting so big. She’s growing like a weed. She babbles all the time and is such a chatter box. She holds her head up so good. She is also so close to rolling over.

Last week we went camping for 3 days straight. It was so fun. One of my friends and her daughter were able to come with so that made it even better.

I’ll definitely try to blog more now that all the craziness is over. We still have to get stuff situated at our new place, I just can’t wait till everything is in it’s place and we’re done with everything.

everyday life

April is C-section awarenesses month.

Since “it’s gonna be May” tomorrow, I wanted to write this before then.

Vaginal birth may be how babies are “supposed to be born” but sometimes there are reasons that a vaginal birth is not possible. Some women even choose to have a C-section over a vaginal birth and there’s nothing wrong with that. Vaginal birth and C-sections are both giving birth.

I’m thankful for C-sections because it saved my life and my daughter’s life.

Before I had a C-section, I was terrified of having one because for one, I had a condition that could have had undiagnosed problems on top of the condition that had already been diagnosed, they could have not found other problems till I was having the C-section. Thankfully no undiagnosed problems were found during my C-section. For two, I had heard nothing but bad stories about C-sections up until I had one myself.

C-section’s are a major surgery. Getting up and walking the first time after having a C-section is hard. Really, everything about the recovery is hard. Nothing about having a C-section is easy. There’s a stigma around C-sections that it’s so much easier than vaginal births, it’s really not.

I’ve had two vaginal, all natural births and one C-section. My recovery with my C-section was way different than it was with my natural births. Both we’re equally beautiful.

Having a scheduled C-section was nerve wrecking to me because I knew that day was the last day I would feel my baby kicking, that would be the last day I was pregnant, it was the day I would be having surgery for the first time. It was also my daughter’s birthday.

I’ll never forget walking into the hospital knowing that very soon, I would be in an OR giving birth. I’ll never forget that feeling I had being wheeled down to the OR knowing that I was about to meet my baby and I was so ready to see her beautiful face.

I’ll never forget all the nurse’s and the woman who was my anesthesiologist saying here comes miss America when I was wheeled into the OR. I was crying a little because I had just told my doula and my husband goodbye and I wanted nothing more than for them to be there with me, through it all.

The fear of something going wrong was always in the back of my mind when I was getting the spinal done. At that point, I was at peace with it all. If something were to go wrong, there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I had an amazing team who was there for me and my daughter.

I was so scared to get the spinal also. I had no clue it was done and that it took effect until I felt the heaviness in my feet. The feeling of that drug going though my body was crazy. I really thought I was going to feel it when they cut me but my MFM specialist did a test and I felt nothing. I had no clue that she had even done the test until she said okay we are ready to go.

I will never stop being proud of myself for just going with it all and not having anxiety during my C-section. I will never forget being told we were about to have a baby, I started balling. Seeing and hearing my daughter for the first time was amazing. Seeing her be lifted out of me, was priceless. It was a moment that was so beautiful.

After having a C-section, I look back and think about how scared I was and how bad I thought it was going to go. I was so wrong about that. I know it’s only natural to be scared knowing you will be having surgery . It was a little scary going into the OR for the first time but it was a very peaceful, calm, environment. My husband was there for me, the nurses and the anesthesiologist were telling me how good I was doing the whole time. The hospital I delivered at, is such a good place.

Without C-sections being a way to give birth, my daughter and I may not have made it through birth. If we didn’t have ultrasounds today, my previa wouldn’t have been found so I’m also thankful for that.

I’m proud of my C-section scar and I’m proud to have given birth by C-section.

everyday life

Getting back into shape

After sitting around for so long because of CPP, I’m finally starting to be able to do stuff again without being in pain.

Yesterday my husband, the girls, our best friend his dog and our dogs went for a almost 4 mile hike. It felt awesome. We want to be doing that every day as long as we can.

Today we didn’t go hiking. We got things done around the house that needed to be done. We will be back out hiking tomorrow.

Our oldest had kindergarten registration last week. It was bitter sweet. She’s excited about going to a new school but doesn’t want to leave her friends that she made in the 2 years she went to Pre-K. I know she will make new friends.

I have been doing some spring cleaning. I have gotten rid of so much junk. I was on a roll throwing stuff out. Right now we have nothing on the walls, all the pictures are taken down. Hopefully soon we will be painting and redoing the flooring in the living room, kitchen and our storage room. I can’t wait.

We have our first big camping trip planned out about a month from now. I’m so ready to go camping. We may go this week if it’s not too cold at night. Our older girls want to go so bad.

The one thing I love about our 2 older girls is they love being outside, playing in the dirt and camping. My husband and I found an awesome tent last year that we only got to use maybe 5 times. It has 3 rooms and one really big one.

This summer is going to be awesome. We have so many plans and fun things we want to take the girls to do.

everyday life

Today.

Was the day my oldest daughter was born, 5 years ago. Time has went by way too fast.

She started her day out skyping with my mother in law and her great grandma. We let the birthday girl plan the day out so she could do whatever she wanted on her day. First we went out to eat at Osaka. They sang happy birthday to her, she loved it. After lunch we went to a McDonalds play place and the girls played for about an hour and had so much fun.

Their dad had to go to work so the girls and I went out to eat dinner with my parents. After dinner we just hung out at our place with my mom and dad.

She had a great birthday. Tomorrow is her birthday party at a play place. Her dad and I got her something so cool, I’m so excited to see her open it at her party.

It’s a bitter sweet day for me. Thinking back on this day 5 years ago, she wasn’t due for another 3 weeks so her coming early was very unexpected. The day she was born was a rollercoaster for me and my husband.

I had been to the hospital in the morning because I was having contractions but they said I wasn’t in labor so they sent me home. Later that day we went back because my contractions were so close together. We got to the hospital and a half hour later, she was born.

I couldn’t be more proud of her. She’s only 5 and knows how to spell her name, she can count to 20, she knows her ABC’S. We just had a meeting with her teachers and she has no issues at all in school. For only being 5, she’s one smart cookie.

better your life💖

Life has humbled me, brain dump.

This quote⬆ is my life to a T.

I think it’s so crazy. I wasted many years on people who didn’t deserve to be apart of my life because they treated me like shit every chance they got.

It’s funny looking back at it all. Why did I put up with it and keep “forgiving” everyone that just loved to hurt me? The only reason I can think of, is because back then I was spineless, scared and cared WAY too much about what others thought of me. I allowed myself to be treated like that, never again. I know better now.

One day it all clicked in my head. To get my life how I was thinking I would love it to be, I had to make some changes. I had to cut people off, change how I thought about things, stop feeling guilty, stop falling for guilt trips and finally I had to stop accepting the fake apologies that were told to me.

If someone is truly sorry for hurting you, they will change how they treat you and not continue to treat you the shitty ways they do after they say “sorry” and “try” to make “amends”.

I went through that ugly circle many times with a hand full of people and it took me many years to realize that they were never going to change but they would always be treating me bad. I was so fooled by all the times that they put on that great act and acted like they really did want things to change. I was blind back then.

I never realized how unhappy I was until I cut them all off. It’s been a breath of fresh air, not dealing with the same old things I used to has been great. I have no time to fight with anyone about any type of nonsense. I just want to live my life being happy. Not letting the people I cut off back in my life is the key to not dealing with that stuff ever again and that’s what makes me happy.

There’s no reason to keep people in my life that can’t treat me right. I’m not going to be treated like trash anymore and that’s a promise I made to myself.

I was so tired of being hurt and treated like I didn’t matter. I’m human and I will only put up with so much before I’ve had enough of it. I’m so glad I finally got to that point. Life is so simple without nonsense happening constantly.

Life is too short to be anything but happy and I know what I need to do to be happy. Nothing can change that.

everyday life

My husband ❤️

My husband and I have been together almost 6 years now, married 5 years. It’s crazy. I never thought I would ever have the amazing life that I do now.

When we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, we used to stay up all night talking to each other. We used to go sit by a fire with our friends all the time. One of my favorite memories from back then was we stood in a field under the light from a full moon, until the sun came up. That next morning I woke up with a tick on my eye lid, it was pretty funny. I will never forget that night/day.

It’s so crazy how many times we could have crossed paths before we finally did. We had so many mutual friends, we used to hangout at the same places. I do believe us meeting was meant to be. I knew right when I met him that he was such a good guy. I was so scared of telling him I had any sort of feelings for him because we were friends at first and I didn’t want to loose a friend over feelings that weren’t mutual. Our friends soon found out that I liked him and they took care of telling him for me😂 he never said anything to me about it but he already knew.

We really clicked right off the bat. I had gone through a lot before he came into my life and I didn’t think I was ever going to be good enough for him.

He has helped me through so much since we were first together and still does to this day. He got me through one of the hardest times of my life that I have been through so far. I was in a very bad part of life when he came and flipped my world upside down, for the best of course. My grandpa just passed away and that was a really bad time for me. He showed me that life wasn’t all that bad because he was the one person that I could forget about it all when I was with him. Just hanging out with him made me happy.

After a month or so, I finally took a chance and told him how I felt but not in person of course because I was too scared to tell him in person. It was cheesy but I got him hair ties (he has long hair) and a Batman pez container. I wrote him a short note telling him how I felt. I left it in his old hangout spot in his backyard, there was a table in the shed and I put it in there and left. I called him about 5 minutes later and told him I dropped something off to the shed, he must have been in the kitchen looking in the backyard because he said he just seen me leaving. I told him well call me later. I was terrified he was not going to ever call me back. Thankfully he did.

I don’t remember exactly what he said because it was so long ago but I know I felt like my heart was about to fall out of my chest when he was calling my phone. From there, life has never been better.

When we had our first daughter, we grew closer than we already were. I’ll never forget the first time he held our daughter, just the look he gave her. I couldn’t have been happier. We shortly moved into our first appartment together and started our life’s together with our daughter.

We were tired of the apartment life and we’re having another daughter so we needed a bigger place. We ended up moving across a bridge to a different state not too far from our families. When we got settled and started making our place our own, it felt more like a home than our apartment ever did. The only thing I missed about that place when we moved was our 2 friends living below us weren’t going to just be a few steps away. We still hangout with them.

The day I gave birth to our second daughter, I will never forget because it was time to go to the hospital, he was driving on the highway and we get about 4 miles away from home and he asks “where are we going again?”

Having 2 girls was amazing. Our oldest daughter was so happy to finally meet her baby sister. Seeing him with our two girls made me fall in love with him even more than I already loved him.

About a year later we found a bigger place. We bought it and that’s where we still live. I love our neighborhood. It’s a small town. The only thing we hear every now and then is airplanes. After living in this small, quiet town, we will never live in a big city again.

We had a 3rd daughter and she will unfortunately be our last because of what happened during my c-section. People have acted like oh you guys have enough kids so it’s okay you are done having kids and never had a boy. That’s really no one else’s business to be telling us that. It already makes me mad enough that happened during my c-section so I definitely don’t want to hear that shit from anyone. Having another baby, is just too much of a risk for my husband and I. I’m okay with it but it crosses my mind from time to time.

We thankfully have our beautiful girls. My husband is the best dad to them. We would have loved to have a boy. The thing is, my daughter’s don’t need another sibling, they need me to be here with them.

My husband has been one of the most amazing person to come into my life and I couldn’t be happier.